18 till I die
I woke up from my bed today with the slanting rays of sun breaking through the curtainless window, as if it were greeting me. I was so very conscious of the day. After all it was my B'day. No matter how old you grow, the childlike eagerness remains within your heart, that its your B'day. You wake up and your heart demands that the whole world should know its your B'day. No matter how much you pretend to have grown up, and have gotten involved in all 'important' things in life, you remember your B'day and crave to be treated special on this day.
This was the first B'day till date, when I felt awkward to utter my age, when asked. Customarily, I had taken sweets for my peers at office and customarily again each one of them returned the favour with questions about my age. Yes its been 6 months in this company and my age is a guesswork for most of them. I nervously uttered, "27". One of them said, "Oh you look much younger". Solace found. But whom am I cheating. All I know mother earth has been bearing my weight for 27 years. And just because I look younger doesn't change the fact.
Past couple of years, I am grappling with this fear of passing my prime. It feels like yesterday when I was all of 18. When I go out and happen to bump into young groups, I find myself older than them.
Since last year I turn philosophical on this day. I spent a quiet moment pondering over the repercussions of growing any older. Its strange when the eagerness to grow older a decade ago is suddenly replaced by the urge to hold time. Suddenly you want to make time go slow. Suddenly you feel your bday is a sore reminder of losing youth. Suddenly you realise you no longer can do things which you did 10 years back. You are expected to live according to your age and pretend behave in a particular way. The rashness and aggression of the yore is expected to be replaced with discretion and insight.
I dont want to follow any norms. Neither do I want to become part of a pattern. I want to stay young and do things that my young mind wants me to do. I dont want to cross 18 of my mind. I want to stay 18. 18 till i die....
I am reminded of a diary entry three years back on my bday, and nothing has changed:
http://mon-voyage.blogspot.com/2008/02/purpose-of-life-my-musings.html
